Monday, April 14, 2014

Heartbeats



 So, I've been thinking lately, no one really stops to write poems about the things we hear. I mean, even sitting at my desk at work, I hear the clacking of keyboard keys, the sound of a printer running, the mechanical wheels of a scanner feeding paper through itself, and even I hear my music playing softly to my left, but if I shut my eyes, listen closely, I can hear the soft drumming of my heart, and it's oddly soothing. 

What your heart says is important, but just by listening to nothing, you can hear everything.



What is that sound I hear?
Mice scurrying about in the walls?
Scratching about in fear?
No, too loud to be paws.
It’s almost a thump, thump,
I hear from below,
Perhaps a neighbor’s bump,
Hammer and nail the cheeky fellow,
No, no, it’s quieter than that,
It sounds soft as well,
Hardly a racket or drum pat,
It’s like a soft tum, tum, swell
A feeling now, a feeling I find,
Growing, spreading, boring,
Deep and warm, a burning kind
Feelings of wings soaring,
What is this sound,
growing louder now,
Tum thump, in the round,
Growing louder now,
Tum thump, it’s filling my ears,
Tum Thump it falls deaf to my peers,
My heart,  it beats loudly,
My heart speaks out proudly,
“Love”, it says over and over,
“Love”, it says “before it’s over”.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

A Quick Fix

Sorry for the long delay since my last posting, a mixture of school, tragedy, and lack of decent thoughts have left me pretty scaled back on my writing, but I'll try to at least add something once a month... This is a project that I don't want to have just die into obscurity. Anyways, here's my latest bit of writing, it's tiny, it's lacking in fiber, but it has imagination behind it.




It's Midnight, I have school in the morning, but it's a drug. I haven't done it in a while, the rush, the feeling of wonder, the excitement of that first hit, that first tap, that first plunge into the deep white ocean that I had longed for since the world turned and life was questioned. It's like nothing I have felt before, but it was more familiar to me than the sight of my own face in the mirror. My mind exploding with whirling, twirling thoughts, rushing through every empty crevice, soaring down my veins into my fingertips, and my body was one with the universe. I didn't think about my grades, I didn't think about how fat I was getting, how lonely I was, or even that my Dad was dead. I just needed that hit, that surge, that glorious feeling of accomplishment as I stabbed away, and then it erupted. I was slamming my brain against my skull without moving, fireworks were exploding behind my eyes, and the music was all silence to me now. Every key opened up a new world to me, a new world to everyone, and I had the invitations. I wanted everyone here, everyone to see that I for once in a good long while felt good, no I felt GREAT! The adrenaline pumping through my veins was enough to make me keep going, to make me push more and more, and the world began to fade to black. The world wasn't what I needed, it wasn't what made me feel good, not with all the stories of rapes, murder, shootings, terrorism, no, none of that compared to the world I had created for myself. A world that had no need for sadness, no need for worries, a world free of care, hunger, guilt, pain, sadness, depression, anger, jealous, a world devoid of the toxic sewage that invaded our souls with every new news report on some tragedy, and this world was open to everyone, they just needed to take my hand and let me show them. Tonight, my fingers trembled as I took my first hit in a long while, my body almost forgot what it was like, but the warmth made me feel so much better. Woke me up, stood me up, brushed off my clothes, and said "take me with you". The world I made was nothing short of marvelous, a paradise, a utopia that would never fall, a world that would be perfect for everyone, and then I saw it. Even as my fingers continued to pump more and more into my veins, my brain filling the voids, and the only sound in my ears is the clack, clack, clack of the keyboard; I could see the hole in the world I had created. Gaping, gouging, gushing with the blood of my paradise, one phrase tickled my tongue as it exited my throat and sounded out into the air. "Too Perfect..."

Backspace, backspace, backspace, highlight, delete, highlight, cut, paste, click, type, and the world began to brighten. The world I had created, the world with the hole that I had created, the world with the hole that I had created was closing up, and I could only cry as I began to place disease in my sweet world. Trash piling up, grass dying, trees wavering, flowers wilting, men crying, women sighing, and the world was at war, I had created a world that was nothing to be proud of. My eyes ached, checking the clock again, the world never stopped as I still felt the sweet beauty flowing through my veins, even with the ugly stain that I had left on the paper before me. It was a beautiful stain though, if you tilted your head just right, held your tongue just right, curled your toes just right, held your breath, counted to three, jumped on one foot, rubbed your belly with one hand, and patted your head with the other. No, it wasn't beautiful, it couldn't be beautiful, how could it be beautiful and yet still flawed? I kept this question in my mind, sifting through the trash I had strewn on once golden roads now littered with prostitutes and transients, and I could see it... It was dim, only a soft twinkle under a million feet of death and grime, but it was there, that perfect world was there, and it was waiting for something... It needed me, it needed a reason, and without me, it was nothing more than a place.